There is a curious conundrum for men who identify as pro-feminist and want to talk about "men's rights." There is a lot of unfair sexism towards men, and for anyone who genuinely cares about building a society with true gender equality, these issues are worth talking about. But, as I'm sure you have noticed, there is a general tendency among people who talk about "men's rights" and who align themselves with men's rights "activists" to be TOTAL FUCKING DICKBAGS. Especially when these people have access to a computer and have just found the comments section of any blog/video/podcast that has the nerve to say something positive about *gasp!* feminism.
But, again, there are a few ways in which men are actually the victims of social inequality. But getting back to that conundrum: I have noticed that a lot of feminist men who should talk about these issues often ignore them or focus their attention elsewhere, likely because they (understandably) don't want to be seen as one of those raving misogynist assholes that seem to be poisoning the internet these days.
I am here to tell you it doesn't have to be that way; you can talk about sexism towards men without being an asshole. And the first, most important step is identifying which issues are legitimate concerns, and which issues are blatant fabrications from anti-feminists who are convinced that women are the privileged gender and men are the real victims.
I am going to address a few specific examples, but first, I'd like to share what I think are a few basic rules of thumb for determining whether a "men's issue" is valid or bullshit:
1. If it's based on some guy's personal experiences with some women at a bar, and nothing else, it's probably bullshit. If there are actual statistics and sources to back up the claim, you may want to keep listening - but be skeptical. Keep in mind how easily, and how frequently, people with an agenda can misrepresent the facts.
2. If the claim is itself based on sexist generalizations of how men and women are "supposed" to act, or if the claim does nothing more than lament a general "loss of masculinity," then you can be certain it is bullshit. My favorite example of this category is when men try to excuse or legitimize rape because the woman was being too seductive, and the man just "couldn't help himself." (Epic. Facepalm.) You know you're just hurting your cause by perpetuating stereotypes, don't you? And regarding the "loss of masculinity" thing - I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing wrong about the fact that your ten-year-old son doesn't idolize Chuck Norris the same way you did.
If, on the other hand, the claim is pointing out these sexist stereotypes without endorsing them, and if there are plenty of real-world examples that show how these stereotypes play out in detrimental ways, then you may want to keep listening.
3. If the claim views something that is inherently gender-neutral as discrimination towards men, it is definitely bullshit. It still amazes me how often men will whine about women who strive for equal representation in movies, video games, etc. with no sense of irony whatsoever. To these people, anything that dares to point out sexism towards women is somehow marginalizing men, and any attempt to level the playing field for women is somehow interpreted as being inherently discriminatory towards men. It is eerily similar to conservative christians who view any legislation allowing gay people to marry as discrimination towards the catholic church.
If, on the other hand, the claim is actually focusing on ways in which men are misrepresented or marginalized, and doesn't need to waste time whining about those damn feminazis, you may want to keep listening.
Having said all of that, let's move on to some more specific examples. (This list is in no way comprehensive, by the way - it's just addressing some of the most common claims of men's rights activists.)
Men have a severe disadvantage in child custody and divorce cases. This actually is, I think, pretty legitimate. Fathers tend to be drastically under-accounted for in child custody, and a lot of this has to do with the lame stereotype that women are inherently better than men at raising children. (You could maybe argue that men being more likely to become alcoholics has some part in it too, though I'll admit I am still a little skeptical about that study.)
One of the best ways to counter this, guys, is to combat the stereotype that men are incompetent and irresponsible, and promote the idea that single men can be good fathers. One of the worst ways to counter this is to blame it on the feminists, who are in fact trying to get rid of the sexism that is putting you at a disadvantage. Moving on…
The U.S. military draft is unfair towards men. Again, I think this is pretty legitimate. And, again, this is based on a number of ridiculous sexist stereotypes - not only that men are automatically better fighters than women (we have drones for that shit these days, anyway), but also, that it is honorable and chivalrous for men to risk and sacrifice their lives for the womenfolk, and that any decent man would gladly join the military if his country needs him. This is all very clearly bullshit, and I don't know any men who actually think this.
There have been many attempts to make the draft a legal requirement for women as well. Really though, I don't just don't think there is any need for compulsory military conscription in the United States, so if you ask me, the best solution for this would be to eliminate the possibility of a draft altogether.
Violence / rape against men is drastically underrepresented and underreported. I think this is mostly legitimate (with a very important addendum I will get to in a second). It is true that men tend to be less likely to report instances when they have been abused, either physically or sexually, and this is largely the result of a couple of sexist stereotypes (you beginning to see a pattern here?), the first being that men should be the ones who are physically dominant, and thus any man who "let himself" be physically abused is considered weak. An equally absurd stereotype that does a lot of harm to men is the idea that straight men always want to have sex, and thus could never really be raped by a woman.
BUT - and this is a very important "but" - it is important to note that instances of men who face physical and sexual abuse from women, while underrepresented, still occur much less frequently than women who face physical and sexual abuse from men. So while it is a good thing to shed light on the issue of abuse towards men, I would reeeeeally hesitate to call it a "men's issue" since it's really much more of a "hey everyone, don't be an abusive douchebag" issue. If you are a "men's rights" activist and you care about this issue when it applies to men, and yet don't care whatsoever about abuse towards women (or your response is, "those feminists are just exaggerating!") then you are, quite simply, an asshole. What's more, you are an asshole who is hilariously and disturbingly oblivious to your own hypocrisy.
Men are too often portrayed in films and television as being stupid, lazy, horny animals. This is sort of legitimate, but really, let's face it, men still rule the world of entertainment, and any complaint about sexist representations of men on the screen falls flat if you honesty try to argue that men are at a disadvantage to women in this area. For every incompetent and immature man-child on your favorite weekday sitcom, there are about five movies coming out that week starring Everybody's Favorite Action Dude in another installment of I Have A Penis, Let's Kick Some Ass. And for every film centered around a strong, badass female protagonist, there are about fifteen other films where the most prominent female character has the honor of being the love interest for Everybody's Favorite Action Dude, and almost certainly spending her seventeen minutes of screen time either being captured or killed so the hero can avenge her.
So while I definitely agree that there are some ugly stereotypes about men being dumb, lazy, and incompetent - and I would definitely like to see less of these caricatures in film and television - this really is no contest here.
Boys have lost "masculine" role models and education has been "feminized." I'm calling bullshit on this one. The people who think boys need exclusively "masculine" role models are simply reinforcing sexist stereotypes, not combating them. Yet this is one of the most common complaints you'll here from the contemporary "men's rights" movement, making it a classic example of how "men's rights" is actually sexist towards men.
Men who are accused of rape have to suffer so much! Oh boy, doesn't this sound uncomfortably familiar. Look, here's the thing - I can definitely feel some sympathy towards anyone who has to live with being known as a "sex offender." Really, I can. I know it can't be easy. But you know who I feel much more sympathy towards? The person who was actually raped. And, sorry, but the argument of "accusations of rape will ruin a man's entire career!" falls flat once you look at the alarming number of athletes and celebrities who have been convicted of rape, yet still seem to have decent careers. Yes, I'm sure it's a hard life being a convicted rapist, but if that sort of thing is necessary to help prevent more rapes… well, sorry rapists, this is one thing we may have to agree to disagree on.
Marital rape laws are unfair! Wait. Seriously? This, well, um. Wow. Okay, I honestly find it really fucked up that one of the most prominent arguments of men's rights activists is that marital rape shouldn't be criminalized. Maybe I'm missing something here, but I guess I never realized that once a man and a woman are married, "rape" can't actually happen, because apparently any kind of sex at any time is automatically consensual. Or something.
Men should give consent before a woman can legally get an abortion! Okay, I'm pretty sure the men's rights group is just trolling us now. Right? I mean, yes, of course it's a good idea for a happy lovely couple of discuss their options once the woman becomes pregnant, but to make it a legal requirement that a man has to consent to what a woman does to her own freaking body… oh wait. So this is really about men trying to have some amount of control over women's bodies? Hmm. Why does this sound so familiar?
Anyway, looking back at this handful of examples, have you noticed any patterns here? How many claims are made about sexism towards men that conveniently ignore the reciprocal sexism towards women that is just as bad, if not worse? How many of these claims are sympathetic towards male rapists but don't give a flying shit about women who are actually raped? And, also, how many of these claims actually point out some legitimately fucked up sexism, yet in a masterful stroke of overwhelming irony and hypocrisy, put all the blame on the feminists who are trying to help?!
The bottom line is this: yes, there is absolutely some unfair sexism towards men. Plenty of it. But if you really care about fighting it, and you honestly want to help create a society that treats both genders equally, you shouldn't fool yourself into joining the men's rights movement, and you shouldn't blame it all on the feminists. You should be a feminist.
…one other thing I should point out: I am not an expert. I think I'm pretty smart, but I'm not going to pretend that I am an authoritative source of wisdom on this issue. If I say something wrong, or if you disagree with any statement I make, please tell me, and I'll do my best to correct myself. (…If I agree with you, that is. If I think you're full of shit, tough noodles.)
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