Dude, Where's My Man Cave?

So, being a thriving resident of good ol' Kansas City, I often enjoy reading The Pitch and Ink Magazine.  These are both weekly arts-and-culture magazines that are found absolutely everywhere in Kansas City.  I like to pick up about twelve at a time, because they make good bunny litter.

Anyway, about a month ago there was a cover story for Ink Magazine that caught my eye.  (I know, I know, a month is a little old when measured in Internet Time, but I literally JUST STARTED this blog and really wanted to write about this, so basically, just shut up and keep reading.)

The cover looked like this:

Look at how smug those face are.

The headline on the cover simply read: The Case for Guy Time.  Below that: Why men still need their own space.  Flipping to the page with the article, the full title read as follows: "In Praise of Dude Time: Why Time In the Modern-Day Man Cave Might Help Men Relate Better To Women.  By Dugan Arnett, Ink."  Seeing as how I am a man who lives with a female roommate, and who probably has an alarming deficiency of "guy time" compared to most other men, I figured it might be beneficial to my well-being to read the article and see what, exactly, I have been missing.  

But what really caught my eye was the line about how "guy time" might help "men relate better to women."  I was eager to see what evidence would be presented for this claim.  Maybe I could learn something, seeing as how my relationships with women have been admittedly sketchy over the years.

Having read the article, I have to say that I am not exactly convinced, and I have a few comments of my own.

I'll start at the beginning:

"Throughout history, there has been an understanding among men that their time together is to be cherished.  Our forefathers gathered in taverns, sans their female counterparts, to hammer out arguments that would eventually influence aspects of American law. The real-life Don Drapers of the 1960s sat in corner offices, after hours, swigging scotch and decompressing with male cohorts."

Wait, sorry, I already have to stop you here.  Are you really idolizing Mad Men as exhibiting an ideal work environment?  Don't get me wrong, the part about swigging scotch sounds pretty sweet, but I think this show might have a teensy bit of social commentary regarding gender that you're completely missing.

Again with the smugness.

Also, thank goodness our forefathers had enough sense to exclude their women while discussing the founding of America!  Otherwise, the constitution might have said something about giving them rights. *shudder*

But don't worry, it gets better.

"The desire to interact with our own gender is hardwired into us, after all. Part of our social indoctrination. As children, our lives are essentially a nonstop helping of guy time. There’s backyard football and Little League baseball… High school brings a new set of guy-centric activities. We are shepherded onto athletic teams, locker rooms, and in some cases, all-boy schools. In college, fraternities ensure that guys can remain nestled inside a comfy, testosterone-infused haven for another four years."

I'm glad you felt comfy in your testosterone-infused haven, Dugan.  Personally, these are all reasons that I hated a lot of the time I spent in school.  I sucked at sports.  I always felt uncomfortable in locker rooms.  I could never really relate to the buff, athletic dude-bro-man-guys who I apparently should have been bonding with.  And I really, really hated the fact that because of all this, I was somehow seen as being less "manly," as that this was somehow a bad thing.  And, although I was (and still am) pretty awkward and antisocial most of the time, I felt most at home among student groups that centered around things like theatre and music - in other words, activities I enjoyed - even though I was often forced to surround myself with *gasp!* girls.  

May I submit my own hypothesis?  It might be possible that if you enjoyed all of those athletic activities listed above, then maybe that became the sort of environment that you, personally, were most comfortable with, and that is why you, personally, feel a sense of nostalgia for your abundance of guy-time.  And if that's the case, that's fine.  Really.  Go hang out with other guys and do whatever things you think are manly.  Just don't try to tell me that I'm missing out just because I happen to enjoy different things than you do.

"But then, all of a sudden, something changes… It grows increasingly difficult to make time for each other. We reprioritize, retreat a bit from the social scene and male relationships — some of which might be decades old — often are an inadvertent casualty…" 

"Perhaps the most obvious reason for the decrease in dude time, though, is this: As we continue to be inundated with life stressors — increasingly packed work schedules, familial commitments, the plethora of extra responsibilities that signal adulthood — there is simply less time to spend with friends.  Face time, then, is replaced with screen time, as we find it increasingly adequate to keep in touch through Facebook or Twitter or the occasional Google chat. Why schedule a dinner with an old college buddy to see what he’s up to, after all, when you can simply read about it on his Facebook page?"

You are actually coming really close to making a decent point here.  The mistake you're making is in thinking this is only a problem if it means sacrificing a male friendship.  But your general sentiment, I think, is relatable for a lot of people.  Heck, I stopped talking to a LOT of my high school friends (both male and female!) after I graduated.  The fact is, though, that this sort of thing happens to everyone when they graduate from high school and go off to college, and again when they finish college and start building relationships elsewhere.  It's a sad, but often necessary, part of life.  And I should emphasize again that this particular issue, at its core, has nothing to do with gender.

Moving on…

"There’s a certain aura surrounding guy time, surrounding the man cave. Maybe it’s that women make us nervous. Maybe it takes us back to childhood and the carefree days of youth.  Or maybe it’s simply comfort — the fact that the occasional break from the opposite sex allows men to relax, loosen their belts a bit and devolve, at least temporarily, back to their primitive ways."

You make good point here me thinks.  Me hate that I must act like civil person in front of she-people.  She-people make me nervous cause I must always do good job impress them cause I am always try to sex them.  But me not try to sex with other man-people (that gross!), so I no need to impress them and can act like my deep-down caveman self.  Ooga.

No caption needed.

“The main reason that a lot of guys like to do that kind of stuff is to turn off their filters," says Alex Kaplan, a Kansas City native now a senior year at the University of Oklahoma. "I’ve always said whatever I want, whenever I want. (But) I’ve noticed that a lot of guys are more sensitive when girls are around. They want to be around just guys so they can crack the sexist jokes and turn off their filters."

Yeah, don't you hate it when women are around and you have to pretend to act respectful towards them?  Jesus.  

Also, I can't help but notice that the article is more than halfway over now, and the author still hasn't mentioned the claim he makes in the title - specifically, how guy time could potentially help men improve their relationships with women.  But I'm sure he's getting to that.

"Many typical guy activities, says R.A. Richards, who co-authored “The Tiger Woods Syndrome: Why Men Prowl and How to Not Become the Prey,” are what he terms “side-to-side” interactions. When women get together, he says, they tend to meet in more face-to-face settings: a table at Starbuck’s or over lunch at a restaurant.  When men get together, on the other hand, it’s often centered around an event or activity. They’re in the stands at a football game or sidled up next to each other in the infield of a local softball field."

Oh, shit.  I never go to any of those diverse kinds of activities you listed, like football games, or softball games.  In fact, I think there have been several times where I've hung out with another man just for the sake of hanging out.  I'm concerned now.  Does that make me gay?

"Tyger Latham is a clinical psychologist based in Washington, D.C., and while he admits that stereotypical guy time activities often involve less-intimate interaction, it doesn’t mean there’s a lack of meaningful bonding going on. He points to a recent fly-fishing trip he took with a male friend in Pennsylvania. Though the two spent most of the day on opposite ends of a creek, sharing very little conversation, Latham left feeling the two had shared a particularly intimate experience."

Thank you for sharing your intimate experience, Tyger.  Maybe after a few more fishing trips, you and your buddy can get close enough to actually have a real conversation.  I hear that's the straight-man equivalent of becoming engaged.

"He goes a step further, meanwhile, opining that a healthy dose of guy time might help men relate better to women."

Oh!  Finally!  Now that we're near the end of the article, this is the actual claim that was made in the freaking article's title!  I'm definitely looking forward to hearing what evidence there is that "guy time might help men relate better to women."  I'm sure there's some great scientific research to back this up…

“Historically, I think there’s maybe this post-feminist critique of guy time often involving men excluding women,” he says. “(But) I think men who are able to connect with men deeply are probably men who can connect with women at a deeper level, as well.”

…okay, yes, glad to hear your opinion, but can you get to the part where you actually show evidence…

"Of course, if men are of the assumption that they’re the only ones in need of some old-fashioned same-gender bonding…" 

…no, sorry, for a second there I think you forgot to back up the only solid, quantifiable claim you were planning on making, and PROMISED TO PROVE BACK IN THE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE…

"…there are plenty of women out there willing to assure that the phenomenon is by no means limited to the male gender."

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!  Are you serious?!  This is like if I wrote a cover story for a city-wide magazine and titled it, The Case For Nintendo: How MarioKart Might Help Cure STDs, and then only briefly quoted someone at the end of the article who said: "Yeah, I think MarioKart could probably fix herpes, why not?"  I'm not blaming the author for this - it seems more like a mistake made by the editors - but seriously, people.  This is just lazy.

Honestly, I was just seeing if I could find a way to put "MarioKart" and "herpes" in the same sentence.

But… now that the "rant" part is over… I want to conclude by saying something that might come as a surprise: I think the overall argument the author tries to make is almost a good one.

The actual argument presented here is, to be frank, a sloppy, misinformed, and altogether embarrassing piece of garbage.  But I can tell the author means well, and I want to try to reframe this argument into something a little less… awful.

Because, here's the thing: there are plenty of stereotypes about how men are supposed to interact with other men.  There are plenty of stereotypes about how men are supposed to act with women, and vice versa.  I will readily admit that all of these stereotypes are completely unfair.  (There are also an abundance of stereotypes about how women are supposed to act with other women, but I'll save that rant for another article.)

And I will also gladly admit that these stereotypes can be a hindrance if you are a man, and you have a close male friend you enjoy spending time with - because according to those stereotypes, it is unmanly, and therefore bad, to for you to have any sort of meaningful relationship with another man.  You are only allowed to share an emotional bond with one person, and that person, of course, is whatever woman you're romantically attracted to.  Obviously, this idea is bullshit.  And yes, I can absolutely be sympathetic towards anyone who has a diminished friendship as a result of being forced to fulfill this stereotype.

The thing about "guy time" that completely misses the mark, though, is in thinking it has anything to do with being a guy.  Just call it "friend time."  If your friends are guys, that's great!  Go have fun.  Just please stop thinking that you're in some magic penis club that women are trying to sabotage, and please don't model your social life after the treehouse you had as a kid with the "no girls allowed" sign.  Thank you.