Doesn't this seem suspiciously like something you'd read on Cracked? Why yes, I suppose it does. The main difference is, this is my blog, so I can write about whatever the fuck I want. And today, I feel like writing about Things I Want To Be Real. I often spend unhealthy amounts of time fantasizing about Things I Want To Be Real. And today, you are lucky enough to get a glimpse into some of my deepest and most treasured desires.
You've been warned.
4. A Steampunk Legend of Zelda game
If you were a zelda fan on the internet five years ago, you may have seen this image:
This is a screenshot for "The Legend of Zelda: Valley of the Flood," which suddenly appeared on many Zelda fan pages on April 1st, 2008. This image was accompanied by a transcript of a mysterious interview in which one of the producers of the game revealed a lot of details. Specifically, that the game would be hella steampunk, that the game's protagonist would be somebody other than Link, that the game be a prequel to The Wind Waker and take place just before the catastrophic flood, and also, that the game would be hella steampunk.
The overwhelming response from many Legend of Zelda fans was, of course, "that looks awesome." Even after the picture and the interview were revealed to be an April Fools prank, that didn't halt the excitement of some fans, who still to this day continue to insist, "yeah, I know it's fake, but seriously - that looks awesome. Why the fuck has this never been made?"
Why this will never be made:
Well, like I already said, everything about this game is completely fake. Secondly, the sparse information we already know about the next Zelda game suggest something more like a re-imagining of classic games like Ocarina of Time, but with larger world and a more open, non-linear gameplay structure. (And honestly, this sounds pretty sweet too. It could be Nintendo's more colorful, kid-friendly equivalent of Skyrim.)
Of course, there's no reason to think that Nintendo won't pursue this style of game in some future date (except if they go bankrupt in a few years).
3. Snootworld
"What the fuck," I can hear you ask, "is a snootworld?"
A bit of backstory is required to explain this one. And by "a bit" I really just mean this sentence: several years ago, famously insane filmmaker David Lynch promised that he was planning to make an "animated children's film" and that it would be called "Snootworld." Really, that's it. That's all we know. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that's really all we need to know to be intrigued, in a kind of horrifying, this-can't-possibly-be-real sort of way.
I mean, seriously. Let's absorb this one piece of information at a time. First of all - the very fact that David Lynch wants to make a children's film. The same man who permanently engrained lovable faces into our consciousnesses like this:
and this:
and who could forget about this:
yeah, this guy wants to make a movie for children.
And then there's the fact that it's called "Snootworld." This sounds like the sort of nonsensical word that Dr. Seuss would have rejected as just sounding too fucking ridiculous. It also raises several urgent questions - namely, what the fuck is a "snoot"? And why is there a world full of them? And perhaps most importantly, is this really something we would want to show to children?
Why this will never be made:
David Lynch mentioned this project several years ago and we haven't heard a damn thing about it since. Instead, Lynch has been spending most of time promoting transcendental meditation (the David Lynch Foundation has successfully implemented programs in some public schools that reserve times for students to meditate) and has been busy making a documentary about the late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (a man whom even Deepak Chopra described as "cultish"). So yeah, you could arguably say that David Lynch just got even more crazy.
2. Harry Potter anime
If there's one thing the Game of Thrones HBO show has convinced me, it's that the absolute best way to adapt most novel franchises is through television and not through film. Especially when you're dealing with epic, intricate fantasy stories with 700+ page books, like A Song of Ice and Fire and, oh I don't know, the Harry Potter series?
Of course, a big difference between the Harry Potter universe and A Song of Ice and Fire (besides one having a disappointing shortage of whoring and decapitations compared to the other) is that Harry Potter features much more goofy magical spells and three-headed creatures and all sorts of mind-blowing visual impossibilities that made the movies the ridiculous big-budget affairs that they were. Surely it would be impractical to make a TV show requiring those sorts of special effects, right? Ha! Not through the magic of Japanimation!
Also, I should note that I am not the only person who thinks this is a good idea - the internet is swarming with people's interpretations of Harry Potter anime. Seriously, just look at this.
How could you not want to see a Harry Potter anime show? Like, right now?
Why this will never be made:
Honestly, I don't know why not. Everyone seems to like this idea, but Warner Bros. are apparently busy giving Harry Potter fans what they really want: a goddamn theme park.
1. Calvin and Hobbes: The Animated Movie
Do I even need to explain this? Why this would be the greatest thing ever? Look, you know this would be the greatest thing to ever happen in your life, or anybody else's life, so I'll just skip to the part where I crush all your hopes and dreams.
Why this will never be made:
Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, has very deliberately avoided allowing any merchandising of his comic. Which not only makes the creation of a movie a very unlikely prospect, it also means it's a grim prospect for the existence of Calvin and Hobbes T-shirts, coffee mugs, calendars, video games, and/or pretty much anything else you can imagine. It is worth noting that if you happen to have some piece of Calvin and Hobbes merchandise, it is almost certainly illegal.
But don't worry! Calvin and Hobbes will enter the public domain 70 years after Bill Watterson's death (this is actually a gross oversimplification of U.S. copyright law, but it's way too complicated for me to figure out the exact number of years). So if Bill Watterson dies right now, that means I'll finally be able to see a Calvin and Hobbes movie when I'm 96 years old.
It will be worth the wait.
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